Signs of Struggle
by Fire The Canon
Summary: At ten, Lavender thought parenthood would be easy. In reality, however, it is nothing like she had planned. And Lavender isn't coping. Warning for some minor language.


_**Written for the 1991 Challenge (Lavender Brown, coffee)**_

 _ **Written for the Prompt Relay Challenge (unlock)**_

* * *

 **Signs of Struggle**

Lavender Brown was ashamed to admit that motherhood wasn't all it was made out to be. Since she was ten she had fantasised over children. She had imagined what she would call them, what they would look like, how many she would have, and whether they would be boys or girls. She had even pictured every crush she had ever had as the father.

Of course, none of those fantasies had come to life.

She loved Seamus dearly, but never had she expected him to be the one she spent the rest of her life with. When she first came to Hogwarts, it was Harry Potter. Later, it became Oliver Wood. Then Ron Weasley.

But Seamus was her chosen one, the one that was lying next to her when her baby cried. He was the one who was always there, no matter what.

Jasmine Aoife Finnigan had been born healthy. She had hair like her father and freckles like her father. She had eyes like her father… in fact she had everything like her father.

That was the first sign that Lavender suddenly wasn't coping. As Jasmine grew, the more similarities appeared between her daughter and her husband. Jasmine was a Finnigan through and through, and portrayed little to no resemblance of the Brown side of the family in the first year of her life.

Lavender hated the fact that she hated _that_ so much. After all, this was her daughter; her beautiful, happy, smiling, healthy daughter. She had so much love for her little girl; that was something she had not anticipated at ten years old.

Jasmine had become her life. She was more important to Lavender than any crush at Hogwarts had ever been. She'd give her life for the little girl she held in her arms every night, without question.

Seamus would, too.

She was everything to both of them.

But Lavender still hated the fact that Jasmine was nothing like her. She didn't want to be stopped in Diagon Alley for people to tell her how like Seamus she was. She didn't want to be told by Seamus' family that the Irish blood was strong in her.

Just once, she wanted something that only she and Jasmine would share.

Two years after giving birth, that something still wasn't there.

Lavender now found herself hating the fact that she had a child.

Which meant she hated herself.

Seamus, who was head-over-heels in love with the toddler – and her mother – didn't take long to notice something had changed. Lavender, whom he had always known to be bright, bubbly and cheerful, had become withdrawn.

It was he who was taking Jasmine out and about. It was Lavender who seemed to detest the idea of going out with their daughter.

Poor Jasmine was becoming confused and upset. She adored her mother and wanted her around.

"Are you okay?" It was the only thing he could say when he found his wife curled up on the bed one weekend morning. Often she felt ill around the full moon, but he had become accustomed to those dates. That had been over a week ago.

It was then that he noticed her tear-stained face and shaking body. He hurried to her, rolling her over to check. "What's happened?" he asked, unable to hide the concern from his voice. He'd noticed before, of course, but he hadn't considered her depression to be so bad.

"I-I'm pregnant," Lavender told him, sitting up and wiping her eyes.

"What?" Pregnant? Again? But they hadn't planned for it. Their life with Jasmine was perfect, and despite discussing more children in the future, they had wanted the first four or five years alone with their daughter.

Lavender nodded. "With twins."

If Seamus hadn't been shocked before, his jaw was now on the floor. "Twins?"

Lavender nodded bleakly. "Yes. I just found out. Oh, Seamus, what are we going to do? I'm a rubbish mother to Jasmine. To have three children…."

"What do you mean _rubbish_?" Seamus demanded.

"Well… I…."

"Don't let me hear you say that again." Seamus spoke so fiercely, Lavender felt slightly afraid of him.

"It's just that… well… I got jealous," she confessed.

"Jealous of what?"

Lavender was ashamed. Even she knew to be jealous of her own daughter was wrong. Yes, she could be jealous of pretty girls at Hogwarts, or those who weren't attacked by a werewolf and didn't have the scars as reminders; but of her sweet, little girl….

"I wanted Jasmine to be more like me."

"But she is like you," Seamus said knowingly. "She's two years old and just the other day I found her looking at pictures of clothes and – Merlin forbid – men in magazines. She was pointing to each of them and giving them numbers – I daresay rating their looks out of a ten. She certainly didn't learn that from me."

"I didn't teach her that either," Lavender said, though a smile crept on her face. "You mean she was counting?"

Seamus paused for a moment, and then suddenly realisation dawned on him and his face brightened. "Yeah!" he said. "Yeah, she was. She was counting!"

"Did you teach her?"

"Me? Well, not specifically, no. But –"

"I didn't either. She must just… know."

The pair of them smiled at each other, and Lavender placed her hand over her belly.

"So twins, huh?" Seamus said.

Lavender nodded.

"If Jasmine's anything like you, she'll hate them."

"Excuse me?"

"She's more like you than you realise, I think. She demands the attention for herself."

Lavender laughed, for she had never really looked beyond her daughter's physical features when comparing. She had become so upset – so distraught – over the fact that Jasmine had nothing that resembled her, that she had forgotten about her own daughter's most endearing features.

She had forgotten about the most important thing: who Jasmine was.

A tear trickled down her face.

 _I'll be better this time,_ she thought. _I'll be a good mother._

…

Lavender had only managed one sip of her coffee before a loud scream came from the next room. Sighing to herself, she stood and followed the sound of crying. The slightly elder twin, Quenton, had his brother, Lucian, in a headlock. Lucian, of course, was in tears.

"Boys," Lavender said firmly. "Boys, every time I leave you alone for two minutes, one of you is trying to kill the other." She turned to where Jasmine sat with a book in her lap. She always seemed to be out of the way when her brothers were in trouble, but for some reason Lavender suspected she instigated it.

"Quenton said I smelled funny!" Lucian cried.

"Lucian said I was ugly!"

Lavender closed her eyes, rubbing her hands over her face. It was days like this she really wished she had a job. That way, Seamus would understand what she meant when she said the kids had driven her mad that day.

By the time he returned home they were tired and therefore a lot more placid.

"Alright," she said after a moment. "Alright, it's time for you to stop playing with each other. Both of you to your rooms!"

The boys appeared confused by her request. "Now!" Lavender insisted. "You too, Jasmine."

"Mummy, I didn't do anything, thou –"

"Just go," Lavender said to all three of them.

This time, nobody argued. Quenton let go of his brother and Jasmine put her book down. The three of them disappeared up the stairs, and when she heard their bedroom doors close, Lavender returned to her now cold coffee.

She simply wanted to pull her hair out. Another year and she would be sending Jasmine off to Hogwarts. Was it bad of her to be looking forward to that letter arriving? For the love of Merlin, she just wanted a moment to herself. The twins were enough trouble on their own, but to throw her daughter into the mix….

Jasmine, now ten, had turned into a right little princess. She cried and threw tantrums when things didn't go her way, and already she was showing interest in boys and things more suitable for teenage girls.

Now that she was much older, Lavender realised something. She realised how truly alike she and Jasmine really were. She had been exactly the same at Jasmine's age; self-righteous and unbelievably difficult.

She loved Jasmine with all her heart; the last thing she wanted was for her to be like that.

Quenton and Lucian were simply being boys, as Seamus would always affectionately put when they found themselves in trouble. But that was because he didn't have to deal with all three of them at once.

It was why she often sent them to their rooms. It was the only way to get some peace and quiet. She felt guilty, but she struggled. Some days she _really_ struggled.

Even after ten years of it, she still felt as if motherhood wasn't for her. Fantasising about having loving, adorable, perfect children was far from the reality.

Some days she simply wanted to shut herself away and throw away the key. Some days, she didn't want to be a mother.

Some days, she didn't want her children at all.

And that destroyed her.

…

Lavender wasn't prejudice. She would always smile or at least not point them out, when she saw two men or two women walking hand-in-hand. She had no issue whatsoever with the sexuality of others, for it didn't affect her. She always said that her children could be anything they wanted, and she'd be proud of them.

She had never actually considered the reality of her children being different, though. Like any wizarding family, she had sent all three of them off to Hogwarts without a fuss. They were all delighted, and each of them had been sorted into Gryffindor. Their marks weren't fantastic, but they weren't horrible either. Both she and Seamus were pleased with their progress.

Jasmine finished her seven years and decided she wanted to be an Azkaban prison guard. Not exactly what Lavender had in mind for one of her children, but if that was what Jasmine wanted, then so be it. Besides, working in a prison might be good for her daughter. From her fifth year onwards, her eldest daughter had gotten quite the reputation as the Hogwarts slut. Apparently, as the rumours persisted, Jasmine was more than happy to invite anybody into her bed. The boys of the school saw her as an easy move. And the few times Jasmine had actually found herself emotionally attached to one of the boys, her reputation preceded her and they wanted nothing more than an hour with her.

As much as Lavender did not want to believe that of her daughter, the evidence had been rather overwhelming. Jasmine had given up her virginity at quite a young age, and it appeared she was quite proud of that, too.

Now, however, she was in a relationship with Harry Potter's eldest son, James, and the two seemed rather fond of each other. She really hoped they would last.

Her twins were rather quiet at Hogwarts. Despite the trouble they caused at home, she never heard a peep from them in their first five years. It was quite pleasant, really.

And then, out of nowhere, Lavender had found Lucian in bed with another. It had been an accident – she had walked into his room – and on a normal occasion she would have been embarrassed. Nobody wants to see their child in the act as much as nobody wants to see their parents.

She hated herself for it; she hated the fact that when it came to Lucian, she didn't feel embarrassment. When she found her youngest child in bed with another boy, she immediately felt like a failure of a parent.

Her son was gay. Of course, she had suspected, but she had never thought….

But it seemed she had been the only one. Seamus had also suspected, and it seemed that at Hogwarts the fact that Lucian Finnigan and Hugo Weasley were an item was fairly well known.

And it seemed that she was the only one to be disgruntled by that fact.

Maybe it was because she had found them unexpectedly – that he hadn't told her; but that was just an excuse. The truth was she hated the fact that her son was gay. She couldn't say why, but she did.

And that made her a terrible mother. She couldn't even support her own son, because her fantasies of having children and them growing up and having their own children was so ingrained into her head that any other option had never occurred to her.

Not only was she a horrible mother, but she was a horrible person.

…

"Lavender, will you please unlock this bloody door!"

Seamus' concerned voice also contained a hint of anger. But despite ignoring his many other requests to let him into their bedroom, she obliged this time. She flicked her wand and with a gentle click, the door was unlocked and her husband walked in.

Even after so many years together she still loved him deeply; and for some reason he loved her as well. They had raised three children together, who were each happy, healthy and well-provided for.

Seamus frowned at her, surprised when he walked in to find Lavender done up and in a nice dress. From the expression on his face, she guessed he had expected to find her curled up on the floor.

"Have you forgotten?" she teased, moving towards him.

"Obviously I have," Seamus said with a frown.

Lavender laughed. "Twenty years ago today, we married."

Seamus' eyes widened. "No way!" he said.

"You did forget." Lavender pouted.

"I… er… sorry." Seamus took her in his arms and kissed her lightly on the lips. "So, we're going out?" he asked.

"Well, that was the plan, but considering you forgot…." She wasn't really mad at him, but part of her liked the methods he would sometimes take to get her to forgive him. She may as well play him for a bit.

"Oh, Lavender," Seamus said with a smirk. "Of course I didn't forget." From within his pocket he dug out a small box. It looked like a ring box. "Open it," he urged.

Smiling, Lavender did as he requested. It wasn't a ring that was inside, but a heart-shaped locket. When she opened it up she was greeted by the three faces of her smiling children. She remembered that photo; it had been during one of the small windows she had actually felt like a decent parent.

"They wanted me to give it to you," Seamus said. "They're adults now, but you'll always be their mother." He beamed.

"Oh, Seamus," Lavender whispered, wiping away a tear. "It's beautiful."

"Here, let me put it on." Seamus took the locket from her and clipped it around her neck. The heart part sat right where her own heart was. "They want you to know they love you and always will."

Lavender blinked away tears.

"Also, we're going out to dinner; and it's not where you've planned. I cancelled that the other day. This is something I've been planning for months now."

"You have?"

"I wouldn't really forget that I'm the luckiest guy on this planet." Seamus kissed her and smiled. "I could never forget."

"Well if you're the luckiest guy, then I'm definitely the luckiest girl."

Seamus shrugged and then took her hand. "You look beautiful, by the way," he commented.

Despite everything, Lavender couldn't control the blush the crept into her cheeks. She felt fifteen again in that moment.

"Now come on, or we'll be late."

"Where is it?"

"You'll see."

Lavender followed Seamus out of their bedroom and down to the Floo. She had no idea where he was taking her, but she didn't really care.

It didn't matter that Seamus wasn't the man she had always pictured she'd marry, because he was the one she loved. It didn't matter that Jasmine looked more like her father than her mother, because she and Jasmine had one of the strongest bonds. It no longer mattered to her that one of her children was gay, for that didn't change anything. He was happy, he was healthy and she still loved him just as much as she had when she had first held him in her arms.

For so long, she had worried that nothing was perfect; when in reality everything was perfect. She had everything she had always _really_ wanted. She had just been too blind to see it.

Closing her eyes, she allowed Seamus to guide her into the fireplace. She didn't care where he was taking her, just as long as he took her to her family.

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 _ **I hope you all enjoyed this! I have a rather extensive head canon for these two, and if you're interested, I have two or three stories about Jasmine and James somewhere in my profile, too.  
**_

 _ **Please let me know what you thought. Would be much appreciated! And I have one open request left for my "If You Dare" challenge; so if you'd like to make a pairing/character/friendship/anything request, please PM me and I'll fill that last spot for you!**_


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